I thought that I was an "open book." I thought that I leaned on my family (especially Ted) and my friends. I thought that I didn't keep everything inside. I thought WRONG. The other night I had a HUGE breakdown. It wasn't pretty. But it was necessary. And it has gotten me thinking.
I am struggling right now. And I hate to even write that because I don't really have problems. I have a healthy, wonderful family who loves me dearly. We have food to eat . . . great food, actually. I have a roof over my head, and live in a fabulous community. I live a wonderful life compared to most. I know this and I hate to be selfish when I know how fortunate I really am. And yet, I still feel like I am sinking.
There are a couple of reasons for this. First, as most of y'all know I have been dealing with this ankle injury since March. I am pretty sure that I am a little depressed because of it. It has not allowed me to work out. As a result, I do not have my stress reliever. But, also as a result, I have gained weight. And I am not happy about that. I don't like what I see in the mirror. And that self-image affects a lot more than I really thought. Having not-so-great, alright, bad, feelings about the way I look makes me want to run and hide. It makes me not want to do things. It makes me not me. But the good news is that I have been cleared to exercise again. Of course, I am a little scared to exercise since there is still a hole in my tendon, but physical therapy is REALLY working and I am going to try. I have to try. Oh and I went on Weight Watchers. So I am not going to be enjoying all that good food. But I have to get back to seeing the person who I want to see in the mirror. I know that sounds so shallow, but it is the truth. And it feels good to write it down, even though people may judge me.
There is another reason why I feel like I am struggling/sinking and it has to do with work. Don't get me wrong - I have a great job. I have probably one of the best schedules in America and I definitely have the best boss I could ever hope for. I am a huge "law nerd" and I like reading and writing. And I am good at it. The problem is that I am starting to lose the spark for what I do because I feel like it is interfering too much with everything else that I am - a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend - just me. My job used to be such a part of who I was and I was so proud of it (I still am proud of it.) However, with three kids, and another on the way, I feel like it is adding more stress to my life, instead of being the stress-reliever that it used to be. I am constantly stressing out about how I am going to take my children/pick them up from wherever they are, what time I have to leave from work, and how I am going to squeeze in all the other things that need to be done (like grocery shopping, errands, homework, etc.) And then by the time I get home from whatever I did after work, I am so stressed out from running around like a chicken with her head cut off that I am short with the kids when all they want to do is see mommy and play - especially Sam. But all I want to do is go up to my room, turn on BRAVO, and go off into la-la land while watching Million Dollar Decorators.
And here is the real kicker that I am ashamed to even write. I just want some time for ME. I want to be able to go to the gym when I want and not when I am squeezing it in between work, items on the to-do list, and picking up the kids from school/activity. I want to be able to go to lunch with my girl friends (if they would have me since I have been such a bad friend as of late). I want to be able to call my friends who don't live here and see how they are doing. I don't think that I have called my out of town friends in at least 6 months - for some it has been over a year. I want to be able to play tennis, go for a walk, take Sam to the library for story time. I want to be able to be social. I need it. Basically, without time for me I am not the person I want to be. But there are not that many hours in a day.
. . . .
Of course I go back and read all of this and think that I am just whining. I probably am having too much of a pity-party and maybe once school starts back it will get a little better. But I don't know. How do you other moms do it? I know that I can't have it all, but it seems like I have A LOT of help to do what I do and I don't even do that well because on the inside my attitude is so bad. And then I have these massive breakdowns and Ted has no idea where they are coming from because I never tell him how much I am struggling on the inside just to keep it together.
