Ted and I have almost completed our homestudy update. In fact, he is at the police station right now getting his pollice learance form updated (long story but they are making him appear in person to do this, even though I had a signed consent form, and even though he did not have to appear in person last time - go figure). We will then wait to hear from our social worker as she also has to do an update and write another report. I am not sure if our friends have mailed thier updated letters, but I am sure that my agency will let me know if they don't do it.
As far as me, and my sanity, I am doing okay. Really, I am. I know that I have absolutely no control over what is happening in Russia and/or when we will meet our little girl. And, at least for now, I am okay with it. I have realized that being upset and frustrated by the whole thing really does me no good, and in fact does me a disservice. When I let my emotions take over, I am not a very good wife, mother or friend. Instead, I am only looking inward and being extremely selfish. I know that, at times, this is okay, but I can't live like this. So I am just living day to day and, to be honest, just trying not to think about it. Not sure if that is a good coping strategy but it is working for me.
2.28.2012
2.23.2012
Can't sleep
So I can't sleep. It is now 4:51 and after being awake in bed for the past 2 hours I decided that it was close enough to morning that I could get up. So many things are swirling through my head.
First, I almost feel ashamed for my anger (reflected in my last post). So many people are doing all that they can to get our daughter to us. And I know in my head that as soon as I see our little girl and have her here with us, all this delay and waiting will be understood and totally worth it. As my wonderful Godmother said to me in an email:
"You also have our encouragement to stay strong and not feel defeated. One day, when your daughter is old enough to comprehend how hard you and Ted worked to get her, and how long you waited just for her, she will know how very much her parents love her!!!"
Thank you for those words! I know that they are so true and do provide some comfort to me. I am just having a hard time getting all that I know in my head to be felt by my heart.
Second, I want to get all the documents I need to update done. Now. These documents are actually not for Russia, but for our homestudy which is required by the United States and Alabama to adopt. I have to get medical updates - on each child as well as Ted and I. Ted just had a physical and I have one scheduled for tomorrow, but that means getting new documents on Ward, Ann Park and Sam. It will be easy for Ward since he just had a physical, but it looks like Ann Park and Sam will have to be reexamined. Not fun. Then I have to get local police clearance again. I mean, I just had to get cleared by DHR again. It seems crazy to me that we have to get this again and again. Plus, it is kinda a pain to do. And all the documents have to be notarized!! We also have to get a bank statement regarding all our accounts and do an entire new financial statement. The last thing we have to do is ask our dear friends who wrote our referral letters to update them. I hate asking them to do that all over again, but what are friends for, right?
Third, I needed to apologize to my sweet contact at our adoption agency. I kinda unloaded some emotions on her that I should not have. I was just so frustrated and although I had some restraint, I know that I took some of them out on her. And that is the LAST person who I should be doing that to. She is the one working her fanny off to get all this done for us. All she wants is to place a little girl with us. Hopefully she will understand and accept my apology (which I already sent through email!).
So that is why I can't sleep. Of course I am also thinking about how much longer the wait is, but I am starting to give that up. That is one of the things I am trying to give up over this Lent - not obsessing over the when. I am not doing a very good job right now, but I have 39 more days, right?
First, I almost feel ashamed for my anger (reflected in my last post). So many people are doing all that they can to get our daughter to us. And I know in my head that as soon as I see our little girl and have her here with us, all this delay and waiting will be understood and totally worth it. As my wonderful Godmother said to me in an email:
"You also have our encouragement to stay strong and not feel defeated. One day, when your daughter is old enough to comprehend how hard you and Ted worked to get her, and how long you waited just for her, she will know how very much her parents love her!!!"
Thank you for those words! I know that they are so true and do provide some comfort to me. I am just having a hard time getting all that I know in my head to be felt by my heart.
Second, I want to get all the documents I need to update done. Now. These documents are actually not for Russia, but for our homestudy which is required by the United States and Alabama to adopt. I have to get medical updates - on each child as well as Ted and I. Ted just had a physical and I have one scheduled for tomorrow, but that means getting new documents on Ward, Ann Park and Sam. It will be easy for Ward since he just had a physical, but it looks like Ann Park and Sam will have to be reexamined. Not fun. Then I have to get local police clearance again. I mean, I just had to get cleared by DHR again. It seems crazy to me that we have to get this again and again. Plus, it is kinda a pain to do. And all the documents have to be notarized!! We also have to get a bank statement regarding all our accounts and do an entire new financial statement. The last thing we have to do is ask our dear friends who wrote our referral letters to update them. I hate asking them to do that all over again, but what are friends for, right?
Third, I needed to apologize to my sweet contact at our adoption agency. I kinda unloaded some emotions on her that I should not have. I was just so frustrated and although I had some restraint, I know that I took some of them out on her. And that is the LAST person who I should be doing that to. She is the one working her fanny off to get all this done for us. All she wants is to place a little girl with us. Hopefully she will understand and accept my apology (which I already sent through email!).
So that is why I can't sleep. Of course I am also thinking about how much longer the wait is, but I am starting to give that up. That is one of the things I am trying to give up over this Lent - not obsessing over the when. I am not doing a very good job right now, but I have 39 more days, right?
2.22.2012
Bad news and more bad news
So on Monday we were dealt a big blow. I was actually on cloud nine that morning. We were supposed to be getting our referral, and I was as happy as a clam. But as the day progressed and I didn't hear from my agency, I knew that something was wrong. Short story is that we didn't get a referral. All I know is that the child they had picked out for us sudenly became "unavailable." I am assuming that a Russian family took her at the last minute but we really have no idea and my agency doesn't know anything either.
I was devasted when I heard the news. Literally cried my eyes out. I felt like I had lost something, which is really strange since I never had her in the first place. It is kinda like having a miscarriage early in the pregnancy. But my agency assured me that we were still first on the list and as soon as another child who met our criteria rolled off the Russian registry she would be ours. In fact, they identified one and it was going to be late March/early April.
As I digested the news, I was in pain, but was starting to feel some comfort. As you all know, Lent started today and I felt that these 6 weeks would be a great time to reflect and wait. I was starting to find comfort in knowing that the child was not the one God intended and that 6 weeks was really not that long. I could get through 6 weeks. At least there was an end and our child would be at the other end. I was actually feeling better.
But then today we were dealt another blow and I have a pit in my stomach the size of a basketball. Apparently the family that was before us who was supposed to leave on Saturday to meet their child for the first time found out the day before that a Russian family took their child. I can't imagine what they are feeling. It just sucks. My heart breaks for them (and as Ted said, that could have been us).
But selfishly, I am also mad because it makes our wait even longer. Because it means that we move back to Number 2 on the list. So that child that they told us about that will roll off in late March/early April will most likely go to them. And there is no telling when another child who meets our criteria will roll off. So the waiting and the abyss of silence continues. Oh and I have to basically re-do our homestudy and have another visit from the social worker and pay another chunk of money because all our documents have expired. Good times.
So what am I feeling now? You can probably read it in my writing. I am feeling anger. Severe anger. And exhaustion, sadness, emptiness. But mainly anger.
I was devasted when I heard the news. Literally cried my eyes out. I felt like I had lost something, which is really strange since I never had her in the first place. It is kinda like having a miscarriage early in the pregnancy. But my agency assured me that we were still first on the list and as soon as another child who met our criteria rolled off the Russian registry she would be ours. In fact, they identified one and it was going to be late March/early April.
As I digested the news, I was in pain, but was starting to feel some comfort. As you all know, Lent started today and I felt that these 6 weeks would be a great time to reflect and wait. I was starting to find comfort in knowing that the child was not the one God intended and that 6 weeks was really not that long. I could get through 6 weeks. At least there was an end and our child would be at the other end. I was actually feeling better.
But then today we were dealt another blow and I have a pit in my stomach the size of a basketball. Apparently the family that was before us who was supposed to leave on Saturday to meet their child for the first time found out the day before that a Russian family took their child. I can't imagine what they are feeling. It just sucks. My heart breaks for them (and as Ted said, that could have been us).
But selfishly, I am also mad because it makes our wait even longer. Because it means that we move back to Number 2 on the list. So that child that they told us about that will roll off in late March/early April will most likely go to them. And there is no telling when another child who meets our criteria will roll off. So the waiting and the abyss of silence continues. Oh and I have to basically re-do our homestudy and have another visit from the social worker and pay another chunk of money because all our documents have expired. Good times.
So what am I feeling now? You can probably read it in my writing. I am feeling anger. Severe anger. And exhaustion, sadness, emptiness. But mainly anger.
2.20.2012
Torturing myself
I am truly torturing myself. I am checking my email like every 5 minutes and waiting for the phone to ring. When it does ring, my heart skips a beat and then is let down when I see that it is not my adoption agency. I have got to give it up. What is the saying - water doesn't boil why you are watching it - or something like that.
Usually work consumes my time on Mondays but because of President's Day the courthouse is closed. I thought that I would help the time pass by letting Ward and Ann Park each have a friend over, but now they are playing nicely in their rooms with no room for mommy.
Okay, I am going to disconnect. No checking my emails until after lunch. And she would call me before she emails me anyway. Hopefully I'll last that long.
Usually work consumes my time on Mondays but because of President's Day the courthouse is closed. I thought that I would help the time pass by letting Ward and Ann Park each have a friend over, but now they are playing nicely in their rooms with no room for mommy.
Okay, I am going to disconnect. No checking my emails until after lunch. And she would call me before she emails me anyway. Hopefully I'll last that long.
2.19.2012
Best dad ever
Today is Ted's birthday. It is a rainy, gross day here but we have still spent some good family time together. I am always reminded about what a great man I married when I see him interacting with our kids. And then I found these pictures on our computer from a couple of weekends ago. I was volunteering all day on Saturday, and he took the kids to this cool place called Horse Pens 40 about fifty miles out of town. There is a bunch of stuff to do there, but of course all they wanted to do was "rock climb." The kids had a blast, which you can clearly see in the pictures. I am so blessed by him and so lucky that he chose me!
** Sorry about all the pictures. I had a hard time narrowing them down.
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** Sorry about all the pictures. I had a hard time narrowing them down.
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This shot is truly a first!
It is always challenging to get a group shot!
always posing!!
We have got to work on Sam's "fake" smile!!
sweet brothers
priceless!
2.17.2012
Waiting is the hardest part
So we had such good news on Monday that now I am a little down. Weird, I know. I know I should be so thankful to be first in line and excited about all to come -- don't get me wrong, I am. BUT this week has been terribly long - even though I knew that we would not hear anything this week and maybe not even next week but my hopes are really high. They shoudn't be because that is like the kiss of death with adoptions, I have learned. But I can't help it - I guess it is just human nature. Knowing that we are so close but that we still haven't even seen her face is such a weird position to be in.
In other things (but of course adoption related), Ward checked out the sound track from Tarzan from the library on Wednesday. Random choice, but he was really excited about it so we popped it in when we got in the car. Oh and then I started crying. Bawling actually. To Phil Collins. Yes, pathetic, I know. But I think that I have found the song I am gonna put all my adoptions pictures to and make a video for everyone. Here's Phil's video from Tarzan. Listen to the words. Although they are not all perfect, it captures so much of my emotions.
In other things (but of course adoption related), Ward checked out the sound track from Tarzan from the library on Wednesday. Random choice, but he was really excited about it so we popped it in when we got in the car. Oh and then I started crying. Bawling actually. To Phil Collins. Yes, pathetic, I know. But I think that I have found the song I am gonna put all my adoptions pictures to and make a video for everyone. Here's Phil's video from Tarzan. Listen to the words. Although they are not all perfect, it captures so much of my emotions.
2.14.2012
GREAT news
So two great things happened yesterday.
First, my nephew William "Liam" Samford deLaureal was born, weighing a whopping 6 pounds 12 ounces - Jeanne's biggest baby. I don't think that the estimated due date was correct (they said that she was only 36 weeks). He had to spend a little time in the NICU (aka "prison" as dad calls it) but will be graduating to the regular nursery in about an hour and all is well.
Second, we heard from Russia and we are about to get our referral!!! I had to get some documents updated that had expired. I sent them to my agency yesterday and our incredible friend, Terri, who is in charge of Russian adoptions is going to drive to Montgomery (about a 2.5 hour drive) tomorrow to get the documents apostilled sp she can get them to Russia faster and we can get our referral! I still cannot believe that she is doing this for us. Knowing that our baby has been selected and is just waiting is an amazing feeling. And we have been told that our frist trip might be very quick - like leaving in the next week or two!! So excited. Please pray that all goes well and that there are not any more stumbling blocks. I want to be jumping for joy (and I am, of course) but there is still that voice in the back of my mind telling myself to be cautious and not get my hopes up. I have learned that getting your hopes up is one of the worst things you can do in this adoption process because it is so out of your control!!
Oh, and I also wanted to let everyone know that once we get our referral, I can't put any information about our child (including pictures) on the internet until the adoption is final. I can show you in person until you are blue in the face, but putting anything on the internet is not allowed for the protection of the child. I hate that for those of you who read this who are out of town but those are the rules! Even though this blog is password protected, I am not going to do anything to jeopardize the adoption!!
First, my nephew William "Liam" Samford deLaureal was born, weighing a whopping 6 pounds 12 ounces - Jeanne's biggest baby. I don't think that the estimated due date was correct (they said that she was only 36 weeks). He had to spend a little time in the NICU (aka "prison" as dad calls it) but will be graduating to the regular nursery in about an hour and all is well.
Second, we heard from Russia and we are about to get our referral!!! I had to get some documents updated that had expired. I sent them to my agency yesterday and our incredible friend, Terri, who is in charge of Russian adoptions is going to drive to Montgomery (about a 2.5 hour drive) tomorrow to get the documents apostilled sp she can get them to Russia faster and we can get our referral! I still cannot believe that she is doing this for us. Knowing that our baby has been selected and is just waiting is an amazing feeling. And we have been told that our frist trip might be very quick - like leaving in the next week or two!! So excited. Please pray that all goes well and that there are not any more stumbling blocks. I want to be jumping for joy (and I am, of course) but there is still that voice in the back of my mind telling myself to be cautious and not get my hopes up. I have learned that getting your hopes up is one of the worst things you can do in this adoption process because it is so out of your control!!
Oh, and I also wanted to let everyone know that once we get our referral, I can't put any information about our child (including pictures) on the internet until the adoption is final. I can show you in person until you are blue in the face, but putting anything on the internet is not allowed for the protection of the child. I hate that for those of you who read this who are out of town but those are the rules! Even though this blog is password protected, I am not going to do anything to jeopardize the adoption!!
2.09.2012
On the Bright Side
So we got some clarification today on the new rules in Russia. Yes, we still have to make three trips, but some of what I heard today made things a little bit easier.
1. The second trip will be 7-8 days (as opposed to the three weeks we were looking at). Ted and I will both go on this second trip and we will have our court hearing, as we would have before. Once the Judge says okay to us, then the thirty day waiting period begins and we will come home.
2. The third trip will also be about a week. And as soon as we get there and the Judge signs the papers, we can have our little girl with us for the rest of the trip.
3. A courier will have to take the papers to the US Embassy in Moscow and get everything settled out there. We are already approved and our paperwork is just waiting on us whenever we get there. This all has to be done before we can travel home to the USA.
4. Ted does not have to go on the third trip with me. My dad and I will go together and Ted will stay at home with the kids. I will have to get a power of attorney for Ted but that is not a big deal . That Ted can stay at home is a good thing because with the new trip and the new waiting period, it is probably going to be August or September before this third trip happens . . . and that is if there are no more stumbling blocks down the road . . . what a huge IF that is. The kids will be back in school and I know that Ted would be so stressed to leave work for a third time. Of course I know that he wants to be there every step of the way (and I want him to be there), but it will give me some comfort knowing that he is at home with the kids and I know that my dad can handle anything once we get over to Russia.
All in all, I am trying to look on the positive side of this new development. I know that it is going to make it longer until we can bring her home, but I am trusting that it is for a reason - one that I will probably never understand, but for some reason. I am also thankful that I will not have to be away from Ward, Ann Park and Sam for three weeks straight. That was going to kill me, but I knew that it would go quickly and all would be forgotten when I returned. So although the three trips means more time, more money, and two more very long travel days, it also means less time away from home. So that is good.
1. The second trip will be 7-8 days (as opposed to the three weeks we were looking at). Ted and I will both go on this second trip and we will have our court hearing, as we would have before. Once the Judge says okay to us, then the thirty day waiting period begins and we will come home.
2. The third trip will also be about a week. And as soon as we get there and the Judge signs the papers, we can have our little girl with us for the rest of the trip.
3. A courier will have to take the papers to the US Embassy in Moscow and get everything settled out there. We are already approved and our paperwork is just waiting on us whenever we get there. This all has to be done before we can travel home to the USA.
4. Ted does not have to go on the third trip with me. My dad and I will go together and Ted will stay at home with the kids. I will have to get a power of attorney for Ted but that is not a big deal . That Ted can stay at home is a good thing because with the new trip and the new waiting period, it is probably going to be August or September before this third trip happens . . . and that is if there are no more stumbling blocks down the road . . . what a huge IF that is. The kids will be back in school and I know that Ted would be so stressed to leave work for a third time. Of course I know that he wants to be there every step of the way (and I want him to be there), but it will give me some comfort knowing that he is at home with the kids and I know that my dad can handle anything once we get over to Russia.
All in all, I am trying to look on the positive side of this new development. I know that it is going to make it longer until we can bring her home, but I am trusting that it is for a reason - one that I will probably never understand, but for some reason. I am also thankful that I will not have to be away from Ward, Ann Park and Sam for three weeks straight. That was going to kill me, but I knew that it would go quickly and all would be forgotten when I returned. So although the three trips means more time, more money, and two more very long travel days, it also means less time away from home. So that is good.
2.08.2012
Another hurdle
So we got some bad news from Russia today. Not really bad in the whole scheme of things . . . more like a change in the rules in the middle of the game. Basically, it requires us to travel to Russia three times instead of just the two. And there is a 30-day waiting period between the second and third trip. (And we don't know if 30 days is 30 business days or 30 calendar days which is also a BIG difference when you think about it). Likely the trips will be shorter, but it is still a huge expense added as plane tickets range in the $2500 - $3000 per person per trip. So that is like an added five to six grand to what we had expected.
Aside from the money, which is very real, there is also the added time. Added time that our daughter will be in the orphanage and not in our arms. Added time that her little brain and little heart don't have to be with us and added time for me to fret. And fret I will.
We don't have many answers as this decision JUST came down from Russia, but here is an excerpt from my agency to explain:
Aside from the money, which is very real, there is also the added time. Added time that our daughter will be in the orphanage and not in our arms. Added time that her little brain and little heart don't have to be with us and added time for me to fret. And fret I will.
We don't have many answers as this decision JUST came down from Russia, but here is an excerpt from my agency to explain:
The new year 2012 has brought about some unfortunate changes for adoption in Russia.
We have gotten word and confirmation . . . that Russia is now requiring a 30 day wait from the time you go to court (2nd trip), until the judge signs the final court ruling. So, families have the option of staying in country (if the specific region will allow it) or come home and return to Russia for a 3rd trip to pick up your child. Because this is just being required, we are unsure of the exact number of days in country on trips 2 and 3. We are all hoping for 1 week in country for the court trip (trip 2) and about 10 days for the 3rd trip. I will let you know as soon as I have a confirmed schedule for the process.
This is very unfortunate, as it adds extra travel fees to your adoption budget and more vacation time needed for travel.
Unfortunate is definitely an understatement, but as Jeanne said in her text to me tonight, "praying for patience and clarity in God's timing and plan." Please, yes. I need all the prayers I can get.
2.06.2012
Any day now . . .
I found out on Friday that we are next in line for a little girl from Vladivostok. Again, that does not mean today or tomorrow but it does mean soon. Please continue to pray for the hands of the people who pick this little girl for our family (we can of course say no, but that is very hard). Pray that God leads them to the child that He chose. Pray for her. Pray for her caretakers. A lot is about to happen in her little life - it is going to be rocked in so many ways. But I just can't wait to look into her eyes and tell her that I will love her forever and ever and ever. No matter what.
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