Struggling

I thought that I was an "open book."  I thought that I leaned on my family (especially Ted) and my friends.  I thought that I didn't keep everything inside.  I thought WRONG.   The other night I had a HUGE breakdown.  It wasn't pretty.  But it was necessary.  And it has gotten me thinking.

I am struggling right now.  And I hate to even write that because I don't really have problems.  I have a healthy, wonderful family who loves me dearly.  We have food to eat . . . great food, actually.  I have a roof over my head, and live in a fabulous community.  I live a wonderful life compared to most.  I know this and I hate to be selfish when I know how fortunate I really am.  And yet, I still feel like I am sinking.

There are a couple of reasons for this.  First, as most of y'all know I have been dealing with this ankle injury since March. I am pretty sure that I am a little depressed because of it.  It has not allowed me to work out.  As a result, I do not have my stress reliever.  But, also as a result, I have gained weight.  And I am not happy about that.  I don't like what I see in the mirror.  And that self-image affects a lot more than I really thought.  Having not-so-great, alright, bad, feelings about the way I look makes me want to run and hide.  It makes me not want to do things.  It makes me not me.  But the good news is that I have been cleared to exercise again.  Of course, I am a little scared to exercise since there is still a hole in my tendon, but physical therapy is REALLY working and I am going to try.  I have to try.  Oh and I went on Weight Watchers.  So I am not going to be enjoying all that good food.  But I have to get back to seeing the person who I want to see in the mirror.  I know that sounds so shallow, but it is the truth.  And it feels good to write it down, even though people may judge me.

There is another reason why I feel like I am struggling/sinking and it has to do with work.  Don't get me wrong - I have a great job.  I have probably one of the best schedules in America and I definitely have the best boss I could ever hope for.  I am a huge "law nerd" and I like reading and writing.  And I am good at it.  The problem is that I am starting to lose the spark for what I do because I feel like it is interfering too much with everything else that I am -  a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend - just me.  My job used to be such a part of who I was and I was so proud of it (I still am proud of it.)  However, with three kids, and another on the way, I feel like it is adding more stress to my life, instead of being the stress-reliever that it used to be. I am constantly stressing out about how I am going to take my children/pick them up from wherever they are, what time I have to leave from work, and how I am going to squeeze in all the other things that need to be done (like grocery shopping, errands, homework, etc.)  And then by the time I get home from whatever I did after work, I am so stressed out from running around like a chicken with her head cut off that I am short with the kids when all they want to do is see mommy and play - especially Sam.  But all I want to do is go up to my room, turn on BRAVO, and go off into la-la land while watching Million Dollar Decorators. 

And here is the real kicker that I am ashamed to even write.  I just want some time for ME.  I want to be able to go to the gym when I want and not when I am squeezing it in between work, items on the to-do list, and picking up the kids from school/activity. I want to be able to go to lunch with my girl friends (if they would have me since I have been such a bad friend as of late). I want to be able to call my friends who don't live here and see how they are doing.  I don't think that I have called my out of town friends in at least 6 months - for some it has been over a year.  I want to be able to play tennis, go for a walk, take Sam to the library for story time.  I want to be able to be social.  I need it.  Basically, without time for me I am not the person I want to be.  But there are not that many hours in a day. 

. . . .  

Of course I go back and read all of this and think that I am just whining.   I probably am having too much of a pity-party and maybe once school starts back it will get a little better.  But I don't know.  How do you other moms do it?  I know that I can't have it all, but it seems like I have A LOT of help to do what I do and I don't even do that well because on the inside my attitude is so bad.  And then I have these massive breakdowns and Ted has no idea where they are coming from because I never tell him how much I am struggling on the inside just to keep it together.