Bad news and more bad news

So on Monday we were dealt a big blow.  I was actually on cloud nine that morning.  We were supposed to be getting our referral, and I was as happy as a clam.  But as the day progressed and I didn't hear from my agency, I knew that something was wrong.  Short story is that we didn't get a referral.  All I know is that the child they had picked out for us sudenly became "unavailable."  I am assuming that a Russian family took her at the last minute but we really have no idea and my agency doesn't know anything either.

I was devasted when I heard the news.  Literally cried my eyes out.  I felt like I had lost something, which is really strange since I never had her in the first place.  It is kinda like having a miscarriage early in the pregnancy.  But my agency assured me that we were still first on the list and as soon as another child who met our criteria rolled off the Russian registry she would be ours.  In fact, they identified one and it was going to be late March/early April.

As I digested the news, I was in pain, but was starting to feel some comfort.  As you all know, Lent started today and I felt that these 6 weeks would be a great time to reflect and wait.  I was starting to find comfort in knowing that the child was not the one God intended and that 6 weeks was really not that long.  I could get through 6 weeks.  At least there was an end and our child would be at the other end.  I was actually feeling better.

But then today we were dealt another blow and I have a pit in my stomach the size of a basketball. Apparently the family that was before us who was supposed to leave on Saturday to meet their child for the first time found out the day before that a Russian family took their child.  I can't imagine what they are feeling.  It just sucks.  My heart breaks for them (and as Ted said, that could have been us).

But selfishly, I am also mad because it makes our wait even longer.  Because it means that we move back to Number 2 on the list.  So that child that they told us about that will roll off in late March/early April will most likely go to them.  And there is no telling when another child who meets our criteria will roll off.  So the waiting and the abyss of silence continues.  Oh and I have to basically re-do our homestudy and have another visit from the social worker and pay another chunk of money because all our documents have expired.  Good times.

So what am I feeling now?  You can probably read it in my writing.   I am feeling anger.  Severe anger.  And exhaustion, sadness, emptiness.  But mainly anger.