Teary

Today has been a teary sort of day . . . and I am only half way through it.  I hope that it is not an indicator that I will be sad  later on tonight after the National Championship game.  Maybe then I will be crying tears of joy!

So why all my tears this morning?  Not quite sure ---

The morning started off like every other, but then Sam had a melt down when I left for work.  It wasn't just the hugging onto my leg game that we sometimes play.  No, this time it was real tears with hands on his eyes and his head on my shoulder begging me to stay.  It about broke my heart to leave and I did stay a little longer and just love on that little boy.  Of course, I know that he is in great, loving hands and he was even laughing as I snuck out the back door.

Then I was a little bored at work and started reading some Russian adoption blogs. Googling "waiting for referral Vladivostok" is just not something that I should be allowed to do.  Because I got sad.  And jealous from seeing the people who have their child.  I am so tired of the waiting on our referral and it has only been a little over 4 months and I know in my brain that I will have to wait at least 6 to get a referral, but this does not seem to help my mood or give me patience.  I know that this is probably getting to be a theme on this blog and I apologize, but the only way I can describe how I feel is that my heart hurts, literally, when I think about our little girl and how much I want to se her, hold her, know her.  And this waiting time for the referral is just about killing me slowly each and every day.  I have a lump in my throat and tears welling in my eyes just typing it right now.  She seems so real, but yet still such a dream.  I cannot imagine the pain that people go through who do not/cannot have children of their own who are going through this adoption process.  It is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be.

And, to top things off I have not seen Ted since last Thursday morning.  He left for Texas on Thursday afternoon for a trial and he is not coming back until this Friday night, only to leave again on Monday.  I am very thankful for MLK day next Monday or he might not even be coming home for that amount of time.   Ted always brings me out of my sadness and these little ruts I dig myself into.  Seeing him at night, talking about our days, watching him interact with the kids  - all these things make me smile.  And I won't have that tonight or the next four nights.

Wow, this is really depressing.  But it is what I am feeling right now.  Okay, I am gonna snap out of it.  I promise.  Next post will be light and fun.  Really.  Believe me.