A Reminder About Adoptive Parenting

A little friendly reminder now that we are home and adjusting to our new life with Maggie ---

There are some things about adoptive parenting that are the same as parenting a biological child, but there are also quite a few areas that we have learned are very different.  Through our adoption agency, the UAB International Adoption Clinic, books, other adoptive parents, adoption social workers, psychologists and more, we have learned that Maggie needs a specific type of environment and parenting now that we are home in order to feel safe and secure and to learn how to live successfully in our family.  

While we know that every child is different, we also understand that there are many possible things that will impact Maggie's beliefs and behavior now that she is home.  These include how much nurturing Maggie received in the orphanage, the amount and quality of food she received, illnesses, the quality of care and Maggie's unique personality and temperament, just to name a few.  Although her orphanage didn't seem as bad to us as we were expecting, it is still an orphanage and Maggie received less than optimal care for the first 11 months of her life.   The result of this less than optimal care can lead to behavioral issues, emotional disorders and a sense of grief and loss from being separated from the only home and caregivers Maggie has ever known.  Adoption is a scary and traumatic event for any age child - whether they are a newborn or 10 years old.  They're being removed from all of their routines and familiar surroundings.  Even babies feel grief and sadness at an event like this.  To help Maggie feel safe and learn that we are her parents, Ted and I are creating the type of environment that will help promote security during this stressful time.

At the recommendation of experienced adoption professionals, now that we are home, we are implementing specific parenting approaches to help encourage a strong, attached, emotionally healthy family member.  Maggie needs to learn that we are her parents.  She needs to feel nurtured and safe.  She is not used to having parents to love and care for her.

So what does this look like?  Here are some things that we are doing for Maggie based on research and experience with other adopted children --

• We are living a very quiet life with limited trips out and very few visitors for a little while.  Social workers and psychologists tell us that when children are first adopted, they may be overwhelmed, scared and nervous.  By keeping our lives "boring" at first, we are helping Maggie feel safe at home.  However, this does NOT mean that we don't want visitors!!  I would GO CRAZY!  Instead, I am just limiting the number of people who come see us each day and may ask you to come by later, or another day so it is not so overwhelming.

• We are doing all the "primary caregiver duties" including all the holding, feeding, changing, bathing, kissing, etc.  I know that everyone wants to hold Maggie, and it is so sweet of you.  However, we can't just pass her around for everyone to hold.  We have to be mindful of overloading her with new things and people.  We know you all want to hold, hug, kiss and help spoil her, but it is recommended that Ted and I be the only one to do that at first to improve her chances of attaching strongly to us.  Until we feel Maggie has attached and clearly knows that we are her parents, we will need to feed, change and take care of her.  I promise that once this happens, I will call on many of you for diaper changes and babysitting!!!  As strange as it may seem, adoptive children who act very outgoing and affectionate with strangers is not a healthy thing.  It is called "indiscriminate affection" and can mean that they haven't really attached to anyone.  It would not be a good sign that Maggie has attached to us if during her first months home she would just let anyone take her and hold her without searching for me and/or Ted, for example.  

I really appreciate you all reading and understanding this.  I posted this so that everyone can be on the same page and help us to help Maggie adjust and adapt during this stressful time in her life.  We feel confident that everything will smooth out quickly and we will be on a more normal schedule soon.